Connecting to your "Inner Critic" using Internal Family Systems (IFS)

The pandemic placed an enormous strain on the human psyche. Stay-at-home orders, lockdowns, and restrictions meant that many of the things we rely on for balance such as friends, family, community, even simple daily distractions were suddenly unavailable. Humans are wired for connection, and when that was stripped away, many people found themselves spending far more time alone.

For some, solitude became an unexpected gift. For others, particularly those with histories of trauma, neglect, or harsh environments, the silence quickly became suffocating.

Why?

Because when we are alone, we often become more aware of the voice of our inner critic. And for those whose critic is strong, time in isolation can be torturous.

The Nature of the Inner Critic in IFS

On the surface, the inner critic can sound like a bully, constantly second-guessing decisions, pointing out flaws, and whispering (or shouting) words of doubt. For some, it says, “You’re lazy.”  For others, “You’ll never get it right.”  And for many, the critic fuels feelings of shame, telling other more vulnerable parts of us that we are unworthy or unlovable.

While some people think this harshness helps them stay motivated, the truth is that the inner critic is rarely a sustainable source of productivity. Research consistently shows that chronic self-criticism is linked to depression, anxiety, phobias, and other mental health challenges. Over time, relentless criticism depletes energy, narrows creativity, and undermines self-confidence, making people's lives smaller than they need to be.

The Radical IFS View: All Parts Have a Positive Intention

Here’s where IFS takes a radically different approach. While many therapeutic models pathologise the inner critic and teach strategies to suppress, silence, or argue against it, IFS invites us to do something revolutionary: get curious and come into relationship with it.

The foundation of IFS is the idea that the mind is naturally multiple. We all have different parts that take on roles to protect us. The inner critic is one of those Parts. Instead of seeing it as toxic or destructive, IFS assumes that it holds a positive intention, and somehow it's helped us to survive.

Consider that for a moment: the same voice that shames you and cuts you down is also working desperately hard to protect you. It criticises because it fears you’ll make a mistake, be rejected, or feel pain. From an IFS lens, the inner critic is not an enemy to destroy, but a part to understand and ultimately befriend.

Shame and the Inner Critic

Much of the inner critic’s energy is tied to shame. Shame is one of the most painful human emotions. It tells us not just that we did something wrong (that's guilt), but that we are something wrong. Many of us absorbed shame early in life, from parents, teachers, peers, or cultural expectations. The inner critic then develops as a way to keep us in line, to prevent further rejection or humiliation.

The tragedy is that shame can keep us small, stuck, and disconnected. But within IFS, we can see how shame and the critic are deeply interwoven. The critic uses shame to try to keep us safe, but what we actually need is the nourishment of Self, qualities like compassion, clarity, and calm.

Befriending the Inner Critic: A Step-by-Step IFS Process

So how do we begin to work with this Part of us that often feels so harsh? Here’s a practical outline rooted in the IFS process called the 6F's:

1. Find the Critic in, or around the the Body

Bring your attention inside and notice where the inner critic shows up internally. Does it appear as a voice in your mind? A tightness in your chest? A posture of defeat, like slumping shoulders? Or does it carry the energy of someone you know like a parent, teacher, or past partner? Naming and locating it gives you a first point of connection.

2. Notice How You Feel Toward It

Do you dislike the inner critic? Do you want it to disappear? Or can you feel some curiosity toward it? In IFS, the stance we aim for is one of compassion and openness. If you notice anger or frustration toward the critic, that’s okay, it simply means other parts are activated. Ask those Parts gently if they would be willing to step back and let you try something different as an experiment - get to know the critic directly.

3. Ask the Critic Questions

When there’s enough curiosity and space, turn toward the inner critic with gentle inquiry. You might ask:

• “What are you afraid would happen if you stopped criticising me?”

• “When you say these things, how are you trying to help me?”

• “What do you want me to know about why you do this job?”

  
  

Often, the answers surprise people. The critic may reveal fears of failure, humiliation, or rejection. It may show you memories of times you were shamed, hurt, or dismissed. Listening deeply helps the Part feel seen and begins to soften its stance.

4. Offer Compassion and Gratitude

Even though the critic’s methods are painful, you can begin to appreciate its intention. You might say internally, “Thank you for working so hard trying to protect me. I hear you.”  This doesn’t mean you agree with the shaming messages. It means you understand why the Part is using them.

5. Create a New Relationship

As the inner critic starts to feel understood, it may begin to step down it's intensity. Over time, many people notice that this once-harsh part evolves into something else, like a supportive coach, or trusted consultant, when they’re unburdened of fear and shame.

Why This Matters

Learning to relate differently to the inner critic is not just about feeling better, it’s about restoring or reclaiming vitality. When shame no longer drives the bus, people report greater confidence, creativity, and self-trust. T hey feel freer to take risks, connect deeply with others, and live more authentically.

This is one of the gifts of IFS: it doesn’t demonise the parts of us that seem difficult. Instead, it teaches us to approach them with curiosity and compassion. In doing so, it sets the scene for even the most painful voices inside us to change.

The pandemic highlighted how loud our harsh internal voices can become when external distractions are stripped away. For many, that meant painful encounters with the inner critic and waves of shame. But within IFS, these experiences are not signs of weakness. They are invitations or trailheads into the inner world that, when followed, can lead to deep change.

The next time you hear your inner critic scolding or shaming you, pause. Instead of pushing it away, turn toward it. Be interested in it, and ask what it needs you to know. Offer it compassion. Over time, you may find that the critic softens, and in its place arises something surprising: an inner ally who can guide you with wisdom and strength.

You can try this process experientially using this meditation lead by IFS creator, Dr Richard Schwartz.

About the Author

Sean Cuthbert is a Clinical Psychologist, Psychology Board of Australia (PBA) Approved Supervisor, Certified IFS Therapist, and IFS-I Approved Clinical Consultant in private practice in Melbourne, online throughout Australia, and internationally. He provides 1:1 therapy for clients, and supports professionals through individual and group supervision/consultation.