Shame and Exiles in Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy

Clients often ask me, "How am I the same as all of the other clients you see?" It’s an honest, vulnerable question - usually tucked within a deeper yearning: Am I alone in this?  Am I broken in some unique, irredeemable way?

It’s a powerful thing to want to know that your suffering makes sense, and that you're not the only one carrying it.

Here’s the truth: All clients are different. They come with unique life stories, internal system structures, relational dynamics, and coping mechanisms. Even when two people present with similar issues - say, anxiety or addiction - their internal experience is completely their own. And yet, after thousands of hours in the therapy room, I can confidently say this: shame is the common thread that weaves through nearly every client’s story.

What Is Shame?

Shame belongs to a family of self-conscious emotions that includes guilt, embarrassment, and pride. What sets this group apart is that they involve how we evaluate ourselves - specifically, how we compare our current selves to our ideal selves. If we meet or exceed our internal standards, we feel pride. But when we fall short - especially in a way that feels like a personal failing we often spiral into shame. In short, shame is an identity. I am [insert shameful descriptor here].

The critical distinction between guilt and shame is important here. Guilt is typically tied to a specific behavior: “I did something bad.”  Shame, on the other hand, is more global and devastating: “I am bad.”  In this way, guilt might feel like a raindrop; shame is the downpour that leaves us soaked to the skin.

Shame Is a Learned Experience

Let’s be clear: no child is born into the world shaming themselves. Shame is not a default setting of the human psyche. It is taught, absorbed, and internalised, and this has it's origins in childhood. Research has consistently linked persistent, toxic shame to early experiences of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.

But shame doesn’t require overt trauma. It can be instilled through chronic invalidation, conditional love, perfectionistic parenting, or even a lack of safe emotional attunement. For example, consider a child who is repeatedly punished - perhaps physically - for making mistakes or expressing strong emotions (even positive ones like joy). This child faces an impossible dilemma: either accept that their caregivers are unsafe or bad (which threatens the security their survival depends on), or internalise the belief that they are bad and deserve this treatment. Most children, understandably, choose the latter. Over time, they adopt the shaming narrative of their environment, believing it to be their own voice.

The Legacy of Shame in Adulthood

Fast-forward to adulthood. These early shame-based beliefs are often invisible but powerful. They manifest in adulthood as protective parts of the personality such as as perfectionism, caretaking, people-pleasing, chronic self-doubt, avoidance of intimacy, and persistent inner criticism.

It is important to note that in IFS, shame is broadly a two-part problem (also known as a polarisation): there are Inner Critics that shame, and then there are vulnerable parts - also known as Exiles - that receive and carry that shame.

The shaming protectors inside whisper, “You’re not good enough. Don’t let them see the real you.”  These protectors are built through the experiences I've referenced above with the original caregivers. They take the energy from outside the child's system and take it inside, to push down the more vulnerable parts that hold the shame of being disapproved of or punished externally. These shaming parts have the positive intent of keeping hidden the parts that are being shamed. They largely do this in order to maximise the amount of love, support, and resources available from outside. The child comes to believe, If I can be different, my caregiver will treat me differently. For many people, shame doesn’t scream - it hums constantly in the background. It can inform every decision, colour every relationship, and limits our capacity to be seen, loved, and truly known.

In IFS, we don’t try to talk shame away or fix it. Instead, we begin with curiosity and compassion - not just for the part that feels ashamed, but also for the Part that may be shaming it.

So, where do we start? I would start with the body.

Every emotion has a somatic signature. But because shame often runs deep and feels familiar, it can be difficult to detect at first. It might show up as a heavy weight in the chest, a clenched stomach, slumped shoulders, or a sense of emotional numbness or fog.

Try this process:

1. Find a quiet space, settle your nervous system, and gently bring your awareness inward. Think of a recent moment - something mild - where you felt like you disappointed yourself. This becomes a trailhead in IFS: a doorway into the inner system. Don’t go to the most painful memory; a 3 or 4 out of 10 is enough.

2. Now, notice what happens in your body. Do you feel tension? Heat? Contraction? Do you sense an urge to collapse, hide, or disappear? Perhaps you notice one sensation, then another voice piling on with judgment or blame. That’s the two-part dynamic at play.

   
   

3. Rather than trying to fix anything, just stay present and observe. The goal isn’t to change the sensations or stop the shame, it’s to begin building a relationship with both parts: the one who feels unworthy and the one who is trying (in its own way) to keep you safe by being hard on you.

   
   

4. Bringing Self-Energy: In IFS, we speak about accessing Self-energy - that calm, curious, connected presence within all of us. It’s not some perfect, blissed-out state. It’s simply the "you" that knows how to be with the part/s of you that need help, without judgment or agenda.

   
   

5. As you notice a part that is either shaming or holding shame, see if you can gently separate from it. You might say, “I’m noticing a part of me that thinks I'm worthless,” rather than, “I am worthless.” This small linguistic shift is powerful - it moves you from fusion to relationship.

6. Then, see if you can bring some curiosity to that part. Get to know it. How long has it been carrying this weight? When did it first take on this burden? What was it trying to protect you from?

   
   

In IFS, we believe all Parts have good intentions, even if their methods are painful. The Part of you that uses shaming may have once believed that if it could just keep you small, quiet, or perfect, it might keep you safe. That deserves your interest and compassion, not your contempt.

Helping our Shame: A Gradual, Relational Process

Healing shame isn’t a one-and-done process. I always ask clients, "How long have you been shaming yourself for? Or, how long have you been holding this shame? (The answer is usually something in the realm of decades). So, there is a bit of repetition needed to undo the shame process because it's usually become automatic.

Like everything else in IFS, undoing shame is a relationship building process. Over time, through repeated connection, we can help these parts unburden their shame. They can release the toxic messages they internalised from caregivers, culture, or community. And we allow them to reconnect with their original state, often that of joy, creativity, or connection.

If you’re reading this and recognising some of your own experience, know you are not alone. Shame thrives in secrecy and silence. But once we name what's going on, and turn toward it with curiosity, it sets the stage for it to begin to lose its grip.

To meet a vulnerable part of you and Be with it, and even notice it's gifts, try this IFS practice with IFS Lead Trainer, Paul Neustadt. Practices like this are part of how we gently turn toward our shame, and meet it with care and understanding.

About the Author

Sean Cuthbert is a Clinical Psychologist, Psychology Board of Australia (PBA) Approved Supervisor, Certified IFS Therapist, and IFS-I Approved Clinical Consultant in private practice in Melbourne, online throughout Australia, and internationally. He provides 1:1 therapy for clients, and supports professionals through individual and group supervision/consultation.