A common misstep that both therapists and clients make when first learning about the Internal Family Systems (IFS) process is attempting to go directly to vulnerable child parts (aka Exiles) without gaining permission of the parts that are protecting them (aka Managers and Firefighters). While this is done from a well meaning place, internal relationship building that attempts to bypass protector parts and is from an agenda-led place can exacerbate, rather than alleviate, internal distress. Therefore, before we seek to go to more vulnerable, wounded parts, gaining the full permission of those parts that protect them is essential.
As I've written about in previous posts, in Internal Family Systems (IFS), we have these protective parts within us that do their best to keep us safe and functioning in day-to-day life. They often hide away our vulnerable parts because they worry that facing the pain that these parts hold might be too difficult or overwhelming for the system. So, when we seek permission from our protectors before working with Exiles, we’re befriending them at a deep level, gaining their trust in the Self, and honouring their role in helping the system survive, often for multiple decades post the challenges the person experienced. Additionally, we're also inviting them fully to be a part of the the healing process of the Exiled part/s they're protecting, and allowing them into the possibility of their own healing. If an Exile can be unburdened, the protective part will not have to stay in an extreme role to keep the pain of that child hidden, thereby creating the possibility for the protective part to be less extreme or different. So, the process of getting permission is all about building trust and showing protective parts we’re not just going to charge in and bulldoze past them. Instead, we’ll move at a pace that feels safe for everyone involved. This internal relationship building process mirrors what we know about how to build deep and trusting external relationships; if we can ran up to a new person and tried to badger them into telling us the worst thing that ever happened to them, they would rightly baulk at the questioning, or run away (so in IFS language, their protective parts would get active). It takes time and trust to build lasting relationships of all kinds, and respecting the system's process is pivotal.
Here’s a broad sequence of steps in the permission-seeking process:
Befriend and Fully Acknowledge the Protector: Get to know the protective part and let them know you see and appreciate their role in the system's survival.
Express Gratitude: Genuinely thank them for all they do to keep you safe.
State Your Intentions: Clearly explain that you want to work with the Exile to help it.
Ask Explicitly for Consent/Permission: request permission from the protective part to help the Exile in the way that it needs.
Address Concerns: Invite them to collaborate in the healing process (not lead it) in some way that they would feel comfortable with, or give space to allow the Self to help the Exile.
By doing this, we are being respectful of the protective parts role, and we create a sense of teamwork inside. It shows that we’re all on the same page, working toward healing and wholeness.
There are a number of reasons why the permission getting process is so important:
Safety: Protectors often have solid reasons for keeping exiles hidden. By asking for permission, we ensure we’re not overwhelming ourselves or destabilizing our emotional system.
Trust Building: When we respect their role and seek their collaboration, we foster trust. Our parts learn that we’re a safe, reliable leader.
Avoiding Backlash: If we rush in without permission, we might face some serious pushback. Protectors can get really protective, sometimes in ways that feel extreme.
Modeling Consent: This practice helps us get better at understanding and respecting consent, which can also improve our external relationships.
Collaborating for Healing: Protectors can offer valuable insights and resources. By engaging them, we tap into a broader pool of internal wisdom.
Remember, asking for permission isn’t a one time thing; it’s an ongoing conversation. As you work with your Exiles, keep checking in with your protectors, respecting their concerns, and inviting their input.
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